Sunday, January 02, 2005

Jan. 2 Part II


With great difficulty, I honored the resolution to “try kindness first.” Great difficulty.
A colleague on a forum castigated us for not discussing the tsunami on the board. Now, we’ve all been talking back and forth about it in blogs, private e-mails, etc. – I hadn’t even noticed it wasn’t on the forum, since I’ve discussed it with so many of the other members.

Her criticism made me angry.

And feeling that anger was such a relief from the feeling of numb, overwhelming helplessness I’ve had for the past week.

I’m not angry at her. I’m angry at the helplessness I feel in the situation. I’m doing what I individually can, as are most people I know. In fact, I think what people have done on their own in many ways far outstrips what “governments” are doing – because the people are reaching out to other people without worrying how it “appears to the world.” The colleague’s comment pushed that helpless button – I am not good at doing “helpless” – and I erupted. But hopefully I crafted a response that is both truthful and addresses her concerns properly without lashing out at her because I feel helpless.

When the S.O. heard my initial outburst, he said, “I’m telling you – Queen of the World. Can go from Earth Mother to Tyrant in a single bound.” He’s lucky I love him or I’d be kicking his ass just about now. Especially since he’s right.

I am going to grind out two more episodes of Angel Hunt and do the rewrites tonight if it means staying up all night. IT MUST BE DONE.

I feel better, after a good dinner: rosemary chicken in cream sauce, mashed potatoes and peas. True comfort food. I didn’t eat properly earlier today, and since I am an army who moves on my stomach (pro athletes are always teasing me that I can eat more than they do and I’m half their size), eating properly has a lot to do with fuelling creativity. I ate balanced meals yesterday and had a great writing day. Today I didn’t and I’ve paid.

Hopefully, the dinner will stoke the creative fires and I can get what I need to get done done. I’m going to do it, whether I’m feeling creative or not.

I’d just rather feel creative.

D.

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