Monday, January 03, 2005

Jan. 3 Part II

The Warrior Bitch in me emerges.

I read the responses to the accusation I mentioned yesterday on the forum that we haven’t discussed the tsunami, and the gentle responses to placate her and my anger grows.

Yes, what I said yesterday remains true. I feel helpless and angry at the helplessness. I’m doing what I can, knowing it can never be enough.

But, in contradiction to my analysis yesterday, I am angry at her. Instead of being accusatory and judgmental because we didn’t respond in the way she thought we should, she could have merely started a thread about it in a positive way.

Do I throw down the gauntlet?

Is it breaking my resolution?

My resolution is to “try kindness first.” FIRST. I did, and it didn’t work. And people close to me are being hurt. And I’m ANGRY.

With the only fire in my chart in the area of love (my Venus is in Aries – don’t go there, I know that was oddly worded), my capacity for anger amazes me. I must have some Scorpio in there somewhere (I certainly get into interesting, passionate arguments with Scorpio men – always charged on many levels). I have to re-examine my chart and see what’s sitting in Scorpio. It’s all that Aquarian energy. I’m a Pisces, but my rising sign is Aquarius and I have five planets in Aquarius, with my moon in Taurus (no wonder I’m so stubborn). While I do more than my share of flowing and nurturing, cross a line with me and I explode. I try to use anger as a catalyst, not as a punishment, and that’s often a very difficult line to walk.

And today seems to be a conspiracy to keep me from writing. Renovations in near-by apartments, power tools on the street, blaring television downstairs and unexpected international guests stopping by, and I sit here staring at a blank page, stuck. I’m on edge, waiting for the next noise or the phone to ring or people to arrive and I can’t concentrate on the work.

I’m sure that’s fuelling my anger as well. And if the storm would just start, maybe the pressure in my head would abate a bit and my pre-storm headache would subside.

I feel as though I should go and run on the beach for awhile.

Oh, yeah, I don’t run.

I’m going to try to cool down a bit and not lash out in anger. Any additional response I make to this has to be calm, logical and pointed. Which can’t happen if it’s in the heat of emotion.

Obviously, this morning’s yoga/meditation session has worn off.

Maybe I can funnel some of this energy to Charlotte?

D.

1 Comments:

At 8:24 PM, Blogger Eileen said...

"I sit here staring at a blank page, stuck. I’m on edge, waiting for the next noise or the phone to ring or people to arrive and I can’t concentrate on the work."

I can certainly appreciate these comments! I'm glad I found my way to your blog. You're a talented writer.

 

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