Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Wednesday, June 01, 2005
Waning Moon
Jupiter Retrograde
Pluto Retrograde
Chiron Retrograde
Neptune Retrograde
Cloudy and cool

The weatherman swears it’s sunny and clear outside. Guess he didn’t look out the window again. I remember one time, when I lived in Manhattan, I walked home in a deluge after a show. I turned on the news and the weatherman chirped about what a bright, clear night it was. I called the station and said, “Has anyone looked out the window?”

“Oh, we don’t have windows in the studio,” was the reply.

I rest my case.

A dozen deer were slaughtered and left to rot in the local wildlife refuge. While some people are upset, there’s not at all the anger there should be over this. It is not surprising – I grew up in this town and the sense of self-involvement, self-indulgence, and entitlement that the majority of the residents have – especially those who drive Lexus cars and buy their wives – is nauseating. Some yahoos decided they don’t like deer. Since they’re too stupid to actually catch any deer that might wander across their yards, or call the wildlife authorities to come and deal with it, they go to the sanctuary and kill whatever’s there.

You know what I think should be done to them when they’re found. But they won’t, because the local cops won’t take it seriously, knowing that the people who did it are familiar to them, and that those people are “pillars of the community.”

Yeah, teach your kids that if something’s inconvenient it’s okay to kill it. It’s happening all over the country. Look at those teenagers who murdered their baby right after birth in a motel room a few years ago a few states down. Because they were rich, they got a slap on the wrist. They knew better. They had all the education and resources to know their options. But they were allowed to do it with only the mildest of reprimands. I guarantee they will both murder again in the future.

I came back to the town where I grew up to take care of some family stuff and also resolve some things I carried with me for years and needed to put to rest. I’m glad I came back, and I’ll be even gladder to leave. There are positives here, but the entitled mentality of too many is sickening. And the worst are the ones who marry it, not earn it themselves. I remember once, going to the train, a woman in a designer suit deliberately slammed a door in an Hispanic man’s face as we made our way from the station house to the platform. When I confronted her, she said, “He doesn’t matter.”

A couple of years ago, I was in the Waldorf Astoria. One of the guys who worked there was vacuuming the rug in front of the door. He paused to let myself and another woman (again, in designer clothes) pass. I said, “Thank you” and he smiled. When we got outside, the woman said to me, “You can’t treat those people like that. They’ll start to think they matter.”

Guess what? They do.

I told her she was the one who didn’t matter. And from the look on her face, I knew I hit home.


If you hate your life and yourself so much, change it. You don’t have the right to take it out on anybody else.

End of rant.

Daywork was fine yesterday. It was a little busy, a little crazy, with three new leads going in to the show that night. I just stayed upstairs, did my work, and tried to stay out of the way. And ran like hell at the end of the call, before they could think of a reason to keep me for the night.

Of course, by the time I walked into my apartment, there was a message on the machine, “We know you just left, and you thought this was your only day scheduled this week – famous last words! Can you do the principal call on Thursday?”

I bought a bunch of peonies on the way home – lovely, pale pink ones. They are starting to open. They look and smell beautiful. Am I the only ones who think peonies smell a bit like chocolate?

In spite of the fact I work with lovely people on Broadway, of all places, and I’m grateful for my years in the theatre, it’s getting more and more difficult. The Chiron retrograde is really hitting me this time. The closer the train got to the city, the tenser I got.

I realized that what I now need as an individual is in direct conflict with what New York City is. There was a time when we were in harmony. I loved living in the city, I loved even the frustrations. I loved the fact that it pulsed incessantly, and you could always find something to do and somewhere that was open. I was out in the world, experiencing what New York had to offer. I’m delighted I did it – I don’t feel like I missed anything. Theatre, award shows, clubs, restaurants, art exhibits, dance, music, film festivals, writing, interactive art installations, sports – everything.

And now, I’m taking all the experience that I mined and I’m using it in my work. I need quiet, solitude, clean air, fewer sirens. I need to fight less for daily survival. I need a serenity and tranquility that can only be found at four thirty on Sunday mornings in the city.

I need livable space, where it doesn’t feel like a theme park – unfortunately, in my opinion, all of New York is turning into a theme park. Everything is geared for tourists, and very little is left for people who actually live there. One has to be “on” all the time, there are cameras everywhere, there are so many red carpets it’s become meaningless, everything is hyped so much that nothing is special.

I want to live someplace where I can take a walk in the woods and by the water, where they don’t slaughter deer in the sanctuary and leave them to rot because they feel entitled, where they don’t stomp and stab swans. I’m sure wherever I move will have its own set of problems, but they will be different.

And I need to devote the majority of time and energy to my own projects, instead of to other people’s projects.

So I’m working towards those goals – paying down my debts, earning the money for the house. I just want it to happen sooner, rather than later.

To-Do List for June:
I have to keep it short, because of the time spent in the theatre:
Serial episodes for all four serials
Belmont articles
Finish first draft of Elusive Prayers
Start whatever next novella tie-in I think I should
60 pages Ransagh
20 pages Periwinkle
1 more Salt Marsh story
As many prospect letters as I can
As many query letters on as many projects as I can.

On a personal level, I want to keep a cool head during these 14-hour days at the theatre, and not get dragged into other people’s negativity. The final week will be fine, because it’s a track I like that’s out of the fray. The first two weeks will be the challenge. I have to hold my boundaries and behave with grace.

Definitely a challenge.

Today’s challenge is to fix those awful articles due today and get them out.

For a free issue of any of the above issues, click the appropriate link and download.


At 9:07 AM, Blogger B. K. Birch said...

How awful about the deer! It makes me sick when people believe it's okay to kill just for the thrill or because the animal, insect, etc has created a nuisance.

My youngest son had a habit of playing with catapillars at the ballfield. Well, he had one on the end of a bat and another kid hit it will a ball and squashed it.

I made him get down on his knees right there and ask God for forgiveness for mindlessly killing one of His creatures. He was in tears the whole time, but I don't think he'll forget it anytime soon.

At 11:14 AM, Blogger Debra Young said...

What gets into people?! And it's sickening to know there'll be no repercussions upon them for what they did.

b. k. --good for you; your son will grow up a better person.

At 12:28 PM, Blogger Lara said...

That is sickening about the deer. Well, we'll all get ours in the end, whether it's good or bad, I say.

My kids are too scared to kill anything. You should see them with bugs. I have a bunch of sissies for kids. But at least they value life. They'd rather catch the bug and release it outdoors than squash it outright.


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