Wednesday, July 13, 2005
The outer weather reflects the inner weather today.
If I don’t cut my stress level IMMEDIATELY, I’m going to end up with a heart attack or worse. My anxieties and frustrations are manifesting as physical symptoms. Meditation and yoga are NOT helping, so I have to go back to the root and fix the problem there. And quickly, before I end up in CCU.
Yet more frustrations with the serials. Our “activity pages” (where we track subscriptions and see what we have to have in by when) were “updated”. Well, the new server won’t acknowledge my existence. And, once it denies me access, it denies me access to ANY page on the site, even the ones supposedly open to readers wandering past AND denies access to anyone who links to the site from one of my links AND refuses me entrance to the Yahoo group – where the live chat is supposed to happen tomorrow.
I wouldn’t care that much if it was just from my computer (except about the interview tomorrow), but I got emails from several potential subscribers who read the blog, wanted to find out more about the serials – and were denied access.
It’s all gotten out of balance again, the way it did a few months ago, but worse. Something that takes up 90% of my working time, and eats away at far too much of my writing time, has to bring in a more substantial amount of my income than it currently does. Far too many of the frustrations don’t even concern the actual writing--- which is still a pleasure, most of the time – but what surrounds it. The business has been running for nearly two years now. Articles about it should be plastered all over the world, and the logo should be in everybody’s face every time they log on to the internet.
How to get back in balance?
I need to simply concentrate on the writing and plot out the endings to the pieces, so that when my contracts come up again in the fall for three of the four, I can extend without new episodes or with new episodes for a finite amount of time until everything is wound up. That will take a 6000 word per week pressure off of me. Those 6000 words per week need to go to other projects that will bring me a larger return.
And, I need to build up the business writing side, which I can’t do without the time and space to pursue prospects.
I also need to stop taking on pressures surrounding the serials. I have the choice to opt out of anything I want. I’m one of the original authors and I’ve busted my butt for nearly two years. It’s not all up to me. I’m not the owner of this business. I am a contractual employee. It’s my job to meet my deadlines, not to train up other people involved in the project. I have enough of my own projects that need to maintain solid planning and follow-through.
Stress is a two-way street. It’s not just what’s heaped at me. It’s how much I let hit me, and there’s where my problem is. I tend to be an organizer – I can look at an event, a situation, whatever, and see what needs to be done and various options how. It’s why I’ve worked as a production manager in both film and theatre. I’m good at setting up systems. But when it’s not my project and I’m not being paid and paid serious money to run it, I need to step back and not take on more than my share. I definitely contribute to the situation, and I have to adjust my part in it. I’d love to just throw blame, but I also have to accept my role in the situation, a role that I have, to some extent, created and agreed to play.
Okay, THAT was unpleasant to admit. It’s ever so much more comforting to look at it as stuff that “happens” to you or is “done” to you. But if you don’t trace it back to the source, whether it’s something you like or not, you can’t resolve the situation.
I feel better just talking through it on the blog, even if the result doesn’t put me in the best light.
Forgot to mention that, a couple of days ago, I quit the National Association for Women Writers. I’d hoped it would be a great place to network and exchange ideas. Instead, all I get is a bunch of emails every week urging me to buy CDs of seminars about marketing. That’s not what I’m looking for right now. I want an exchange of ideas, not me dishing out money non-stop. The ebooks with “tips” one gets upon joining were a big disappointment. I’m sure lots of people get a lot out of the organization, but it’s just not for me at this time.
Off to the post office with me now, to get some things into the mail that have sat around for far too long.
And, then . . .
Not other crap. Writing.
The priority is the writing, and everything else just has to wait.
The Thirteen Traveling Journals Project
The Place and Space Journal Project
The Widow’s Chamber
For a free issue of any of the above serials, click the appropriate link and download.
(Yes, it’s working as of this posting).