Saturday, September 10, 2005

Saturday, September 10, 2005
Waxing Moon
Chiron Retrograde
Neptune Retrograde
Uranus Retrograde
Sunny and cool

Yesterday was a difficult day. Physical and emotional exhaustion caught up with me. And then, as happens sometimes, something I thought had been disengaged long ago triggered the Doubt Demons, spurring doubt, loss of confidence, and loss of self-esteem.

Fighting it and trying to work it out via logic made it worse. So I turned around and went into it. Painful, unpleasant, and took longer than I would have liked, but I came through the other side. Although feeling a bit battered and bruised, it’s dealt with – this time. Now I have to trace back to the emotional detonator and make sure it is permanently disconnected.

I suspect the sensation is very similar to what JK Rowlings meant when she described a dementor attack. Only instead of using something to repel it, I entered it and dissembled the creature from within.

Not up to going in to the show today and let them know. I’m not scheduled to be in, so it shouldn’t be an issue, but you never know.

Three Artifacts hovered in the background yesterday, but I couldn’t quite get to it. I did mange to finish my moon article and get it off. It’s not brilliant, but it makes some good, logical points, and, on the whole, I’m content with it.

I’m debating whether or not I should do some more work on the serials, just in case. However, I know if I do it and nothing comes of it, I’ll be angry and resentful. I also know that I’m solid enough within each piece, so that if I have to pull out a good deal of material in a short period of time, I can do so. I do want to finish the unfinished stories, because I can feel their drain on my energy. But I also want to know if I’m doing them for the short term future, or for the bigger picture. And I won’t know that officially until at least September 25, although I know in my gut what it is. And the cards back it up.

It’s unfortunate that this happens now; with my article the feature for September in the calendar, and the new annuals shipping, I have an expanding readership that is eager to subscribe to the serials. And they are being refused. Our integrity as writers is being compromised. If I compromise my own integrity, that is on my head; but I don’t like it when someone else compromises me. I also don’t like hovering in a holding pattern awaiting someone else’s whim. But that’s what it is right now, and patience must be my guide.

So, hey, Patience, where the hell are you? You’re late! :)

Off to get some writing done. Not sure on what yet – but I know in which direction I’ll head first. I have a hotel room in Iceland with a quartet of characters waiting to speak their next lines.



At 11:10 PM, Blogger Ann said...

Know the doubt demons well - think they were invented to torture writers. Hope you're feeling less doubtful soon - anyone who makes a living at this is totally impressive!


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