Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Waxing Moon
Mars Retrograde
Saturn Retrograde
Sunny and cold

Today is Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day. Let’s take a moment to honor the dead, and to reflect on the reality of War.

War is not romantic. It destroys people’s lives. While ideology is used to manipulate people into fighting – people who genuinely believe they are doing so for the good of the country – the bottom line of most wars is economics. Someone somewhere sees the opportunity to make a profit, and uses the believers and the patriots as cannon fodder in order to get the profit. It’s wrapped in flags and songs and religion and patriotism. But it’s about money and power.

I had an awful realization last night: I’ve grown afraid to be happy. Not in the psycho-babble sense. In the genuine, daily sense – because of everything that’s happening, every time I do find a moment of joy, I try to savour it. At the same time, I’m terrified it’s a portent for something else awful happening.

And yet, that will perpetuate the cycle. The only way I can make sense of everything and work it out is to use joy and love and energy. And I’m working from fear right now, which will have a backlash effect. It’s an awful spiral.

I’ve never experienced this in my life, and it’s awful. I’m not sure how to break it – I have to find the good, I have to find ways to enjoy the small moments (which tend to be more wonderful than the big ones anyway), or I won’t be able to get through the next few months.

Day work was fine yesterday, although I was so tired I almost fell asleep over the ironing board. But I made it through and I got home. I was too tired to do much of anything.

I did manage to do a couple of pages on a story. Vivian Stevens is a character who’s been on the fringes of my consciousness for about six years now. I’ve had a few false starts, but she’s just beyond my grasp. She’s a burned-out tarot reader who’s lost her connection to her work, but plods along (something to which anyone plodding along in a job that’s lost its luster can relate). And then, something happens to change everything. I’ve never quite been able to get a grip on her, but now, she’s starting to talk. Perhaps because of what I’m experiencing right now, I understand her better. She doesn’t talk much – each sentence is an effort to formulate. But the words eventually get there. I can’t push – it’s not like most drafts, where you can push through and then worry about it. I have to let it form at its own rate.

I also had ideas for a couple of other pieces and scribbled notes.

I did some work on GDRs, even though I realize that I may have to throw it all out the window, depending upon the events of the next few months.

I worked to upload the programs Colin sent me. I tried to learn everything at once and ended up feeling like I was too stupid to learn any of it. So I just have to work program by program and stop thinking I have to learn what’s taken other people a period of time immediately.

I started the holiday cards last night – I wrote a few overseas cards. I’ll address them in the next few days and get them out by the weekend. Late, but at least they’ll get there. Then I’ll start on the US/Canada cards.

Christmas cards are very important to me. I always want to slap people who huff and puff and say, “I have no time to do cards.” Well, that means you have no time for the people in your life. Holiday cards are a symbol – they let people know you’re thinking of them. Yes, I do create e-cards, when I don’t have people’s addresses. But I think cards are an important SYMBOL to the people in your life. It’s saying, “yes, I think of you and wish you well”. When someone says they don’t have time to drop a card, that means they don’t have time for me. So why should I waste time on them?

There are about 20 people with whom the only time we correspond is Christmas. But correspond we do, and we maintain our bond through the once-a-year connection. And, reading the cards every year, I feel close to them.

I also enjoy the process of writing them. Even during a tough time, as this year is, the actual process of writing a card to someone makes me feel closer to that person. Each card is truly infused and blessed with good wishes.

You’re sending blessings through the US postal service. Even the mail carriers, much as they moan about additional mail, are more cheerful when they deliver cards rather than bills.

Should people feel forced or bullied into cards? Of course not. If they don’t come from the heart, you can feel it in the card. But they need to realize that cards are a way to perpetuate positive feelings and joy into the world. If we could gain momentum with it, perhaps things would start getting a little bit better all over.

Sandy Jones has a lovely poem up on today’s Circadian. I couldn’t honor the format in which she submitted it, thanks to Blogger, but the poem itself is strong.

My entry for the Scruffy Dog Review blog will be up late in the day rather than early, because I have to take care of a few things this morning.

In this season of miracles, I’m hoping one comes my way.

The Thirteen Traveling Journals Project
Circadian Poems
The Scruffy Dog Review


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