February 7 Part II
My SO and I have split, at my request. There’s no way I can resemble an adequate partner until The Situation is resolved. That’s going to take months, with the stress and ugliness of it escalating daily, and there’s no way around it. Plus, my SO’s work demands are getting more stressful and he’s got drama to deal with in his work. How he rises to the occasion over the next few months will define his career for the next few years. If we were in the same place, we might have a shot. But, being so far apart with such intense pressures on both of us, trying to keep a relationship going is hurting both of us instead of helping us. I know I need to be able to be in the relationship with a clear head and an open heart, and, due to The Situation, I can’t do it.
He insists on looking at this as a hiatus, and is already making plans for us for summer, when he is confident both of us will have resolved the separate issues that are all-encompassing right now. I am well aware of how extraordinary he is, and I have no doubt he will be scooped up within a week. By summer, I’ll be little more than a (hopefully pleasant) memory.
I don’t mind being unattached, and it certainly holds no fear for me. And until The Situation is resolved, that must be my primary focus. Then, I can get back to the rest of my life. There’s too much at stake, too much uncertainty, and too much daily fluctuation in facts and assumptions until then. If we’re meant to be, we will be, farther down the line, with both of us working at it. There’s no anger or betrayal or bitterness on either side, and that makes it even more difficult, if that makes any sense. He is truly extraordinary, embodying all the qualities I always wanted in a partner and never thought I’d find. And we’ve overcome quite a few hurdles in our time together.
But there’s too much at stake in my life chaos due to The Situation, and he has far too much at stake in his career for us both to go down with the ship. In his career, there’s no such thing as a do-over. Few second chances. You blow it, you’re done. I refuse to be the cause of him blowing his career because the chaos in my life is such a distraction, or because those behind The Situation try to force me to capitulate by hurting him or his career.
I’m sad, but I have to batten down the hatches and gather my energy for a long and ugly fight ahead of me in the next few months.