Sunday, December 03, 2006

Sunday, December 3, 2006
Waxing Moon
Second of Advent
Neptune Retrograde
Sunny and cool

Yesterday was a lost day. I’d been up most of the night, working on material for The Situation: The Sequel, to get it out and give people time to think about the material and respond. I was upset, which triggered the health problems I’ve been dealing with; I couldn’t concentrate on anything productive, nor could I settle down enough to sleep.

I’m tired of feeling victimized. I’m angry because I’ve allowed these predators once again to strip away my joy for the holidays – I still have gifts to wrap, cards to write, baking to accomplish, and I don’t feel up to doing anything. I’m ill, exhausted, back to not eating or sleeping, resentful, and keep wondering what else can be done, how did the efforts fall short, what could have been done differently to keep from things flaring up again? And those concerns make me feel completely worthless. I feel like a failure in several areas of my life right now, including this one. I’m not saying any of this is logical – but it’s the emotional spiral. Wallowing in it doesn’t help – action helps, only I can’t see a clear, logical, positive way out. Believe me, I’ve envisioned quite a few illogical scenarios, none of which, in the long run, would solve the problems. They’d only make it worse.

I finally managed to go to bed in the late afternoon yesterday, dozing off and on for most of the evening.

A bright spot in my day (other than the cats sticking with me, determined to make me feel better, which, actually did help a great deal), was, believe it or not, a TV show. I was awake enough last night to watch two hours of a new show I’d wanted to watch but been unable to during the first broadcast. It’s called My Boys, created by Betsy Thomas, and it’s terrific – clever and funny, and I can relate to the main female character, who finds herself rejected by a guy she really likes because she won’t play the girly games. It supports my theory that many men don’t want to be challenged intellectually when they get home and don’t want an equal partnership – they want pretty, they want shallow, they want game-playing and manipulation so they can whine to their friends over beers, they want clearly defined roles. A lot of the younger guys coming up are less like that, because they’ve been raised by single parents and have a more balanced point of view. And, in the show, I appreciate the fact that her friends, who are mostly guys, encourage her not to change who she is, but also explain why she’s having problems. It’s nice to have a show where realistic depictions of the genuine friendships that develop between men and women are portrayed. I hope the show sticks around – it’s well done.

This morning, I slept in, still feeling lousy, but managed to do some work on "The Merry’s Dalliance". I’m working on the big action/rescue sequence, and that’s a bit complicated. I’m almost at the point of digging out my old Fisher Price people from the toy box and setting them up to move around and make sure I have the logistics right.

I’ll go back and do some more work on it, and try to get some baking done this afternoon, before doing another draft of the Situation: The Sequel materials and getting them out. We’re on a time crunch, and I have to hold up my end of the time frame if I expect everyone else to respect it.



At 2:57 PM, Blogger Tori Lennox said...

*hugs* sweetie. I hope things resolve themselves soon so you can get to feeling better again.

At 3:56 PM, Blogger Brandy said...

I wish I could magically make it go away for you. I really do. I hope you feel better today and are able to get the things done that you want.

At 5:03 AM, Blogger M.E Ellis said...

I’m angry because I’ve allowed these predators

You said it all there with 'allowed' and 'predators'.

Isn't it an effing ass that types like us do this? I tell myself not to allow things to get to me, and for the most part these days it works, but every so often...


Best wishes in coming out of the fog. I visit that place too often for my liking.


At 2:50 AM, Blogger Shirley said...

I hope things are soon resolved and that you're soon feeling much better. Sending hugs.


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